MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES

NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned.  As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs.  You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers.  Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements.  In rare cases, where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the
work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse.  However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to
8:10, employees who names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and
so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your time comes again.  In extreme emergencies,
employees may swap their time with a coworker.  Both employees'
supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is
now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of three
minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
and the stall door open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to
help our employees
better understand their paychecks:

    Item                Amount
    Gross pay    $1,222.02
    Income tax     $244.40
    Outgo tax       $45.21
    State tax       $11.61
   Interstate tax   $61.10
    County tax       $6.11
    City tax        $12.22
    Rural tax        $4.44
    Back tax         $1.11
    Front tax        $1.16
    Side tax         $1.61
    Up tax           $2.22
    Down tax         $1.11
    Tic-Tacs         $1.98
    Thumbtacks       $3.93
    Carpet tacks     $0.98
    Stadium tax      $0.69
    Flat tax         $8.32
    Surtax           $3.46
    Corporate tax    $2.60
    Parking fee      $5.00
    F.I.C.A.        $81.88
    T.G.I.F. Fund    $9.95
    Life insurance   $5.85
    Health insurance$16.23
    Dental insurance $4.50
    Mental insurance $4.33
    Reassurance      $0.11
    Disability       $2.50
    Ability          $0.25
    Liability        $3.41
    Unreliability   $10.99
    Coffee           $6.85
    Coffee Cups     $66.51
    Floor rental    $16.85
    Chair rental     $0.32
    Desk rental      $4.32
    Union dues       $5.85
    Union don'ts     $3.77
    Cash advance     $0.69
    Cash retreats  $121.35
    Overtime         $1.26
    Under time      $54.83
    Eastern time     $9.00
    Central time     $8.00
    Mountain time    $7.00
    Pacific time     $6.00
    time Out         $6.10
    Time clock       $6.11
    Oxygen          $10.02
    Water           $16.54
    Heat            $51.42
    Cool air        $26.83
    Hot air         $20.00
    Miscellaneous  $113.29
    Sundry          $12.09
    Various         $8.01
    NET TAKE  HOME  PAY   $0.02

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.  All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations,  consternations, or input
should be directed elsewhere.

   Have a nice week.
 

--- SBBSecho 3.01-Win32
 * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - wx1der.dyndns.org (1:19/33)