The following is taken from Richard Allin's column, "Our Town", from the
Arkansas Gazette on Saturday, November 4, 1989. The article's entitled
"History need not be dull". There are quite a few puns within this file,
and some are a bit suggestive, so you have been warned. Hope you enjoy it!
Some of these may also have been from "Anguished English" by Richard
Lederer.

DS

***

   As promised, here is the second and last chapter of a brilliant &
literary work called "The World According To Student Bloopers".

  This history was compiled by Richard Lederer, a teacher in a
prepartory school; from student examination bloopers he collected
from teachers across the United States. As this proves, history need
not be dull!!

  The previous chapter took us from the origin of the world, as
reported in the "Book of Guinnesses", until the Elizabethan period
when the Queen's Navy was destroyed by the Spanish Armadillo.

  Today's lesson begins with the development of William Shakespeare
as the world's greatest writer.

  Shakespeare lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of an heroic couplet. Writing at the
same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote".

  Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America
while cursing about the Atlantic. Later, as the Pilgrims crossed the
Ocean, & this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at
Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the
hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried
porpoises on their back.

  One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put
tacks in their tea. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed
the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin, were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.

  Then, the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest
Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin that he built with his own hands. Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of
an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.

  Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare invented electricity, and also wrote a book called "Candy".
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
Autumn, when apples are falling off the trees.

  Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

  The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The
Marseillaise was the theme son of the French Revolution, and it
catapaulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned
heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Napoleon wanted an
heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear children.

  The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East, and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the
longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years...Her death was the
final event which ended her reign.

  The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
throughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered
radium. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

   So now you know.

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