From "Laughter Never Gets Old"...

New Diet Rules (although I doubt my dietician will approve these!!):

 1) If you set something, and no one sees you eat it, then it has no
calories.

 2) If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

 3) When you eat with someone, the calories don't count, if you don't
eat more than he or she does.

 4) In foods used for medicinal purposes, such as hot chocolate,
pancakes, and Sara Lee cheesecake, the calories never count.

 5) If you fatten up everyone else around you, you'll look thinner.

 6) In movie related items, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn,
Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls, the calories don't count,
because you eat them in the dark.

 7) Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
leakage.

 8) When you're preparing a meal, stuff licked off knives and spoons
has no calories.

 9) Foods of the same color -- such as spinach and pistacho ice
cream -- have the same number of calories.

10) Chocolate is a universal color, and may be substituted for any
food color.

11) When on vacation, any foods eaten above 5000 feet do not contain
calories. You can eat to your hearts content. But take caution when
returning home. Warning: Below 5000 feet, some kind of expansion may
take place.

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