Diary Of A Snow Lover

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic,
we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal-white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much by the end
of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! We had 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but
I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff
so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Explorer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but we had another 14" of the stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt
till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his
truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's
lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she ... nuts???
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I
think she's lying.

December 24: 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides
around the corner, and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes
down the street at a 100 miles an hour, and throws snow all over where
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with
her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head
with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an
idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going
to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million
dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother.
Another 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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